I decided that today I would say goodbye to my old blogs. I moved away from Myspace, then found LiveJournal, and now I’ve moved to WordPress. Mainly because LiveJournal hasn’t updated anything in the way of mobile posts and such. Plus, I don’t like reading my old self. It’s as if I’m reading my diary from when I was a teenager. Rereading is mostly an experience that makes me shake my head at dumb Past Me. Oh, the lessons I’ve learned since then.
My new goal is to Find What Leslie Is All About. This seems silly, but I’m 27 years old and haven’t a clue what to do with myself as a single woman. I like sex, and that’s easy enough to get. I’m not worried about that too much. When the separation was happening, I told my best friend that I longed for a loneliness that was mine only. Some of the worst pain I’ve ever felt is the loneliness when someone is laying in bed next to you who is supposed to care. I want to wallow in my sadness and then use my innate sense of joy to heal my own wounds. I want to experience joy in ways that only I can create for myself.
When I was a teenager, despite The Craziness, I learned to be self-sufficient. Or maybe it was because of The Craziness. I spent hours by myself. Reading, crafting, or otherwise enjoying my own company. I’m finding this again. I like having the ability to do what I like when I like, and this freedom is my new-found motivation to do things I thought were relegated to 20 yr old Leslie.
In a moment of surrealism made real, I agreed to go to the gym with a friend. He invited me to his workout and I followed along his routine of weightlifting and then cardio. It gave me back the joy of exercise. I’m not promising anything spectacular, nor am I expecting it. I joined a gym and have been working out. It’s weird to think that once upon a time I did this because I felt compelled by someone else’s standard of my body’s beauty. Now, I’m just doing it because I like it.
Because I like it.
What a strange thing to bring tears to my eyes as I type it.