One Word #reverb11

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One Word. Encapsulate the year 2011 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2012 for you?

If you did Reverb10 then bonus points for also reposting your 2011 word from last year along with how you feel about that in retrospect.

I’m going to stick with my word from last year’s entry for my hope for 2011.

Renewal. My life went through a rebirth this year. Things are fresh and new for me. I got what I wanted when I said last year,

” I want 2011 to be a year that [I] can stand up. I want to have my faith again. I want to have everything I lost this year back. I want to feel good about myself again and about my life. I dont want to be ashamed of my life. This is the energy, the positive thinking and the hope I’m pushing into next year.”

That energy, the people around me and the love that I was surrounded with helped me start to regain Leslie again. One year ago today, I said with all sincerity,

“This year has stripped me of much of myself. I’m terrified that I won’t get it back. This is my attempt to force myself to hope.”

Forcing myself to hope for something better, something more worked. I dared to believe it when my loved ones told me that I deserved better. That my path was not set. It took me so long but this year I did it.

I took ahold of my own joy.

In January, I told my husband that I was giving myself permission to leave him if things didn’t change. It was my resolution. I asked him to commit to his sobriety, honesty and responsibility. He said okay and then got drunk the same day.

March, I found out that yet again (yes, again) he had a dating profile and several contacts with other women. This was the 4th time. Now, excuse my vulgarity when I say, I don’t care if he was or was not inside any or all of them. The point is, I made it clear that I saw it as cheating. Sending nude photos and talking about what you want to do to someone sexually that is not your wife is cheating.

My plan was this: Acceptance.

I let him know that since he seemed to view our marriage as an open one, I would set up a profile on a dating site too.

By April 3rd, I knew I couldn’t be this person anymore. I couldn’t be unhappily married any longer. I woke up on April 4th and blurted it out.

“I don’t think I want to be married anymore.” I didn’t know I was going to say it.

I was glad I did.

The process was painful and long and still isn’t entirely over. I find myself missing his family the most. I still have a few things at his house that I need to pick up.

I’m officially my own again. I can breathe easier knowing that when I come home, I will love what I find. My house will be in the same “boho chic” disarray that I left it in. It will be  beautifully colorful and represent me. I am finding out that there are things that I like doing that I never thought I would. I am discovering that maybe, just maybe, I might want to have kids. Before, I was so against it that I was almost militant. But now, if I have the opportunity to have a family with a man who is not an addict… maybe terror won’t seize me.

I have moved to a job that has put me on a career path. I can put Sous Chef on my resume. I have found a passion in cooking that is almost zenlike. When I am upset, my thoughts are jumbled and I just want to quiet my brain, cooking does this. You may find the same meditative quality in running, sewing, biking, etc. Mine is cooking. No matter the hilariously crazy things that happen to me, I am happy when I work.

I want 2012 to be Joyful. I want to have my career take a turn for the best in Seattle. I want to move to Seattle and live in a big city. I want freedom for myself. Ultimately, I want to have a better understanding of the woman I’m becoming. I want to know in my soul who I am. I want to laugh so hard it hurts. Pain is something that is a constant in life. With a little joy, you can change the pain from something that drags you down and holds you under to something that just teaches you to swim for the surface. Joy is my inspiration.

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10 responses »

  1. This post is exactly why I love Reverb so much. It brings me to places like this and people like you. I am already in awe and funny as it sounds, proud that you made such monumental decisions such as the ones mentioned here. well done to you! ♥

    • Calling it courageous strikes me as inaccurate. I appreciate the compliment for sure, but it was really the only action left for me. I was pretty sure my friends would have mauled me if they had to listen to my never ending stories about what an asshat he was being. My friends were the ones that pounded into my head that I was worth more. Because of the love they gave me, I was able to stand up again. They held me up for a while, & they are the reason I can carry my own weight again. I’m not courageous. I’m just lucky the right people love me.

  2. I love this post. Leaving a bad relationship is so hard. I find myself going through it for the second time now…practice makes perfect? 😛

    I think 2012 is going to hold some wonderful things for you!

  3. Best of luck to you. I love that you are stretching out and doing things your way. You deserve that. There is definitely something therapeutic and wonderful about cooking. I agree. Looking forward to hearing about your creations!

  4. Pingback: 2012 ~ I CHOOSE to DANCE for JOY…What do you choose for 2012? « Wrestling the Muse

  5. Pingback: 2012 ~ I CHOOSE to DANCE for JOY…What do you choose for 2012? | Kim Koning

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