Enlarging the future #reverb11

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Forgiveness – Who have you forgiven this year and what was the journey like that brought you to forgive them?

Well, hell.

It has been very difficult for me to find an answer to this. Mainly because I can’t really say I’ve made an effort to forgive anyone this year. That being said, I am an exceptionally skilled codependent and I forgive things often and quickly. More quickly than I should, so that I can maintain a broken relationship, because that’s just what I do.

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. ~Les Brown

I have worked on forgiving my dad more and more. He’s getting older and some health issues scare the crap out of me. I find it challenging because remembering things hurts all over again. I wish I could have a true apology, or even acknowledgement that he DID hurt us, both emotionally and physically. I understand that my dad is who he is. He is stubborn and full of pride. I don’t ever expect an apology. I know that he loves me, that he knows he fucked up, whether he says it or not. Sometimes his guilt is palpable. For this reason, I was able to forgive him more. He’s strong and wonderful and he taught me to be those same things. Sometimes it was by watching him fuck up and not wanting to repeat his mistakes, but he taught me all the same.

My issue lies not in the forgiving but in the forgetting. I can’t forget things, because when I forget them, *I* make mistakes and bad choices. I don’t learn from the pain. If I take something and analyze the crap out of it, I’ll figure out who I was, what I was doing, why, and the same about the other people involved. I want my future enlarged, and filled with good things. I want to learn from my mistakes so I quit making them and move on to new ones.

I’m working on forgiving myself and my ex-husband. I’m working on forgiving people who have hurt me to my core. I’m not going to list them, because I’m not calling them out. Confrontation is not necessary.

I feel like I phoned this one in. I apologize, but this is really the best I could do.

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