Disappointment – What was the one disappointment that has turned out to be a blessing in the last 12 months? How will this affect how you deal with disappointment in the future?
I thought this was going to be easy. My marriage.
But as I sat to write this, I realized that I’m most disappointed in myself. I am disappointed in my lack of will over the last 6 years. Watching the destruction or near destruction of friends, family and life as I knew it. I allowed this to happen by not stopping it. I am ashamed of myself. I have a hard time talking to certain people who knew me at the beginning of my relationship with him. I’m ashamed of who I was, who I allowed myself to be. Between the two of us, we destroyed trust and faith and love. Him, by not knowing how to do anything but hate himself, and me by trying to fix anything that broke.
That’s not me. I don’t think that many people would describe me as weak, or soft willed. I’m not that person. But then again, I obviously am. I just want you to like me! If you need something and I give it to you without a second thought, you’ll like me, right? And you’ll keep me, right? I love you. Please love me back. Who the fuck is this needy bitch? Apparently, that needy bitch is me.
The shame reached a crescendo in January. Tears welled up as I looked at the person I had become. How can I fix it? How can I make it right? I started by giving myself permission to change ANYTHING necessary to do what was right. That included my marriage. As I look back, I’m astounded at the journey I forced myself on with sheer stubbornness. But life is like that, yes? You look back on old you and think, “Oh, you. You poor sad, unknowing thing, you.”
Realizing my shame – my disappointment – in myself made it so that I allowed change to happen. I embraced it. This has opened something new inside me.
Did you know that you can choose to do what you want when you want, and it’s not required of you to make others happy?
Tell me more…
I learned that just because someone else is lonely, I don’t have to rush to their side. Just as they wouldn’t rush to mine. I learned to watch other’s cues on how they maintain healthy self-love (ignore the 12yr old inside your brain that’s giggling). I am learning how to be selfish in a good, healthy way. When MY needs come up, I jump. When others come up, I think of similar moments, apply what I’ve learned and step back to see how things proceed. I offer support, but I don’t force myself to support.
I’m trying to be a woman who cares about herself more than catering to others. That’s right. This needy bitch is seeing to her own needs. WHAT!