Facing Philophobia


How can I trust my choices? How can I know that I am safe from myself?

Simple. Making bad ones, and recognizing them. Not continuing to see someone who ignored me, or was rude, or disappointed me. Allowing myself to say to someone who was wrong for me, “No thanks, it was fun, but I’m done now.”

This past weekend, I was super hormonal. Luckily, because I’ve been so terrified of feeling… stuff… it sort of forced me to feel that stuff in a crazed, overly female type state. When I say this, I just mean that I’ve noticed that I don’t feel the same way women around me do. A lot of the way that I handle feelings is more like men do. I sort of ignore them, or maybe just don’t have many. I’m pretty relaxed, so its hard to offend me because I can usually identify with the way that people have said something or what not. I hear what people say in their own voices, not in my voice. I’m unsure of how to really explain it except to say that I’m usually more comfortable around dudes.

In my superfemme state, I realized, as women do, that behaving like a man is stupid. It doesn’t matter who was behaving like a man, just that someone was, and it’s asinine. I realized that I was being asinine. I’m trying to not let fear keep me from good things, but I’m afraid of loving someone. It scares me because of how I love. I really throw myself into it. When I love someone, I don’t hold any of it back, because that doesn’t make sense to me. I’ve been holding myself at arms length and telling myself that its not a smart plan.

Dixie started the thought path. She asked me if I was not planning on that path with the gentleman I’m seeing. I told her that I could see it happening down the road, but for fucks sake, I didn’t want to be a relationship hopper. I wanted independence. Lori told me something simple. I just have to open myself up again. I have to accept the possibility of love. My guy friends get the feelings I’m fighting and why. They explained to me that sometimes you don’t end up losing your independence just because you love someone and they love you. I know this seems a strange thing to have to explain to someone, but I didn’t really get it.

I know that there are reasons I’m scared of love. When I try to expound upon it, I end up feeling like a gibbering idiot. I know that I might be capable of loving someone in a different, healthy way, if I try. Maybe I’ll love him. Maybe not. I’d like to give it a shot though. It might work, if I move slowly enough so as not to spook myself. Stupid little fool is trying something new…


One response »

  1. I just wrote a post about bravery that, in some ways, responds to what you’re talking about here. I write that I believe one of the biggest risks we take as humans is with our hearts. So bravo on your bravery!

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