Day one of the Scintilla Project!
Who are you?
This is a question that is tough to answer, of course. I don’t want to sound like every other person. You’re smart, so you know that I, like everyone else, am a snowflake. Unique, complicated and delicate.
What you only know from reading my previous posts is that I’m going through a renewal. I’m learning a new me. I’ve dated some men that are great for me in some ways, not so great in others. I’m learning about how to behave in healthier relationship structures. I do not define myself by who I am romantically attached to.
I’m the daughter of a codependant and an alcoholic. I love both my parents for everything they taught me, the good and the bad. I am a codependant trying to quit. I love people, though. That’s my addiction. I’m learning to be by myself. To pay my bills, to save my money, to plan for me.
For the first time in my life, I’m not stress eating. I’m not making excuses for someone’s behavior. I’m not trying to fix people around me. I am genuinely trying to focus my love and attention on myself. I show real concern for friends, but not excessive. It no longer causes me emotional harm if a friend is not well. I worry, but I don’t allow it to cause me trauma.
This all seems strange to read, I’m sure. I’m saying a lot about what I’m not instead of who I am.
All of that tells you who I was. I’m not entirely sure who I am. I know what characteristics I have. I am silly, passionate, creative, fun, smiley, dorky, stubborn, determined, nervous, and just a little scared. Life is taking me for a damned fun ride right now and I’m finding out that I’m capable of letting myself be treated well, of letting myself succeed in career and love.
I’m dating someone who is kind to me and considers my needs. This is strange because I expect it to be a trap. I’m going to let my guard down and BAM! out comes his crazy. This is my own hangup. I get it. I’m damaged, but I’m fixing it. Part of fixing it is learning how to let someone be nice to me. I learned that from my best friend, and now I’m learning it from this man.
I’m happy. Part of me is scared of that, because I’ve learned that happiness doesn’t last. The other part of me accepts that and is reveling in the joy I am wading in at this very moment. People can see the joy in me and I’ve had strangers comment on it. These past few months I’ve gotten more “Wow, you’re beautiful!” or “You have a great smile!” comments than I ever have. It’s lovely, because my smile made them smile. I like that. Plus, who doesn’t love being told they’re beautiful?
My main point is that I am joyful in finding out who THIS woman is. This woman that I’m growing up into is different than any other Leslie and I’m enjoying meeting her.
ETA: I suppose this also counts as a First for me. “Life is a series of firsts. Talk about one of your most important firsts. What did you learn? Was it something you incorporated into your life as a result?” This is the first time I’ve actively tried to be a better, healthy me and have succeeded.