Do you ever wallow in your feelings, like a luke warm kiddie pool on a hot day? Just feel smothered, suffocated with them, but relish that feeling, as the weight of the humidity sits on your chest?
Lets face it, I’m a mess. I keep forgetting to recognize it. I am constantly trying to make ends meet, to pay friends back, to make up all the help that the people in my life have given me. Saving for the future and being responsible is such a struggle.
I’m trying to free myself of the bad feelings and memories of my marriage. They cling to me like spiderwebs. I keep trying to brush them off. Hearing from people who have to deal with him bring up things that I thought I was over, that I thought I had pushed through. Also, being with my boyfriend makes me realize how used to being disregarded I was. He does things that are considerate and they throw me off. I’m shocked when he treats me nicely consistently.
When I’m not working, which has been a lot lately, I lose a sense of myself. This is probably due to the fact that I’m an American and we value our success in dollars, in hours worked, in titles. I’m struggling to feel like I’m on top of things.
There are parts of me that knows that this is just the way that life feels. Ups and downs and joy and pain. I’ve blogged about it enough.
There are parts of me that feel like its stupid and not fair and IDONTWANNAANYMORE.
So there’s that.