How are you going to celebrate your self this festive season?
Listen, one thing you have to understand about me is that I love me. No one understands me the way I do. No one appreciates my cleverness as much as I do. I’m wonderful. I celebrate me every day.
I’m fucking delightful.
Mind you, I have a realistic view, as well. I know my faults. I accept them. I ignore them. I do as most people do. But I refused a long time ago to insult myself sincerely. I couldn’t look in the mirror anymore and hate me. So I stopped.
Everything bad about me helps me to be me. Everything good about me helps me to be better than just me.
I am beautiful, fantastic, smart and I have a great personality.
So, I’m gonna go on being me. That’s how I’m going to celebrate.
Living life on a transplant waiting list gives you lots of reasons to reflect on what you’ve achieved in your life, and what you wish for the future.
Imagine a scenario where you only had one year left to live. What is one thing that you really wish to do that you just haven’t had the chance to accomplish yet? I would like to add: what steps could you take (however small) to ensure that you accomplish this thing in 2013?
As soon as I read this, I started to tear up just a bit. I’m not sure why. I think the idea of letting my family and friends know that I’m about to die, the act of watching people mourn me, makes me want to cry. I find myself saying “IRELAND!” or “Costa Rica!” or something extravagant like that.
But I know me. I know that I am a realistic person to some extent and I know that my first step would be to file bankruptcy. I don’t want those I love saddled with any ounce of my debt. Then I would move in with a friend, to save the cost of rent. I’d put that money aside. Just stock it away. I’d work 4 days a week, and I’d spend each three day weekend with someone I knew. Someone to give a little love and laughter to, to say goodbye. To drink, eat and be merry.
I’d give the money to my family. To set them a little ahead. To be honest, I’d give it to my brother. I want him to be happy. I know money doesn’t do that, but it can help you breathe a bit and stretch some of the constraints of everyday away.
Oh I sound so terribly boring. I’d do it though, be responsible… I’d have less concern for people’s everyday woes, I’m sure. I’d be more abrupt than ever. I’d place stickers on everything I owned so that it all went to the right people. Watching my mom die lends me a certain practicality about the effect of death on the living. The details that are confusing and awkward when one dies without knowing one is about to. I’d put my affairs in order.
Then I’d take Josh and enjoy Ireland or Costa Rica or anywhere else a whim might take us. But never before taking care of my family.
What was your biggest expenditure?
Gas. I spend so much on gas, it’s ridiculous. I chose to accept a job 70 miles from my home. The only real way to commute is by driving. Also, there is a toll. I should be smarter, but I really like the company I work for.
I’m not really sure why this is a prompt.
How are you starting?
I’m starting my journey back into reverb after doing very little word blogging in months. I’ve found myself addicted to Tumblr, and I love it.
I’m starting to have ideas that I’ll be able to see come to fruition. One day I’ll share them.
I’m starting to reconnect with my family in small ways. My brother and my dad.
I’m starting to allow my life to be shared with another. There’s an xbox in my house…
I’m starting 2012 with so much love and hope. My friends are the greatest. I have a support system that I just can’t even begin to understand. I don’t know why they love me, but they do. Josh, Lori, Elle, Dixie, Jesse. These are the people who just shock me every day with who they are and how big their hearts are.
I’ve begun to understand happiness.