In my last moments #reverb12

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Living life on a transplant waiting list gives you lots of reasons to reflect on what you’ve achieved in your life, and what you wish for the future.
Imagine a scenario where you only had one year left to live. What is one thing that you really wish to do that you just haven’t had the chance to accomplish yet? I would like to add: what steps could you take (however small) to ensure that you accomplish this thing in 2013?

As soon as I read this, I started to tear up just a bit. I’m not sure why. I think the idea of letting my family and friends know that I’m about to die, the act of watching people mourn me, makes me want to cry. I find myself saying “IRELAND!” or “Costa Rica!” or something extravagant like that.

But I know me. I know that I am a realistic person to some extent and I know that my first step would be to file bankruptcy. I don’t want those I love saddled with any ounce of my debt. Then I would move in with a friend, to save the cost of rent. I’d put that money aside. Just stock it away. I’d work 4 days a week, and I’d spend each three day weekend with someone I knew. Someone to give a little love and laughter to, to say goodbye. To drink, eat and be merry.

I’d give the money to my family. To set them a little ahead. To be honest, I’d give it to my brother. I want him to be happy. I know money doesn’t do that, but it can help you breathe a bit and stretch some of the constraints of everyday away.

Oh I sound so terribly boring. I’d do it though, be responsible… I’d have less concern for people’s everyday woes, I’m sure. I’d be more abrupt than ever. I’d place stickers on everything I owned so that it all went to the right people. Watching my mom die lends me a certain practicality about the effect of death on the living. The details that are confusing and awkward when one dies without knowing one is about to. I’d put my affairs in order.

Then I’d take Josh and enjoy Ireland or Costa Rica or anywhere else a whim might take us. But never before taking care of my family.

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