Monthly Archives: March 2013

A return of sorts

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Its been quite a while since I last posted anything of merit. I was blogging along pretty solidly, and then I just stopped.

Why?

I was nervous. I had a new, good thing. I didn’t want to jeopardize it by posting it for the world to see. I wanted to hold it in my hand, and examine how precious it was and revel in it for a time before I really had to share with anyone else. I’ve had an interesting year and a half.

I became good friends with an ex-lover.

I said goodbye to two people I love, one of which I think of every day, missing her terribly.

I was injured severely and healed.

I had recurring nightmare about my ex-husband kidnapping me.

I left one job and found another.

I met a man who I am astonished by every day.

I’ve welcomed home a friend and met the new life she created.

I’ve been lonely and soothed myself, happily.

I’ve set a career goal that is not only wonderful, but attainable.

I’ve welcomed a new friend into my life and my family.

I’ve watched my family stand up again.

So much has happened. So much joy has swirled through my days. It makes it so that when I see the hard things that happen, I know they’re worth it.

Before Josh was Jesse. Jesse is a wonderful man. He doesn’t understand that about himself, but that’s okay. His relationship with me, our not quite girlfriend boyfriend but more than friends with benefits thing was hugely healing. I was able to safely love someone without losing myself. Jesse was new because he was someone I could trust. Who would let me take over his apartment with my scent of girl and cookies.  We accepted each other as we came and helped each other apply salve to the wounds on our hearts.

Jesse taught me caution and care for myself. Because of his influence, I am less of a codependent than I was before. He helped me see that I could just take care of me. Josh and I met in a weird sort of way and we just clicked. I’m not kidding when I say that it was TERRIFYING. Our level of attraction and interest scared the shit out of both of us. We kept purposefully backing off until the magnetic pull slammed us back together. Lori called it right away. Dixie too. We both saw the path ahead of us but steadfastly refused to look at it, lest we look down and see we’ve walked off the cliff and are hovering mid-air. It’s a bit safer now. We’re on solid ground.

Our past catches up to us now and again. The pain from personal wounds come up here and there. People dating my ex come to me when he is awful to them. I talk to them a little and console them. Seeing pictures of him makes me angry, furious at myself for living that way for so long. It triggers bad memories, it hurts, like picking at a scab. I miss his family at times, some more than others, but I’ve reconnected with my family.  I missed them greatly.

And now, I’m starting a new chapter.  Josh and I now live together. It’s both effortless and difficult. One day he just didn’t go back to his house. About 2 weeks later, I realized it. Two more weeks later, we talked about it. We looked at a house. It was wrong. So we’re staying here. I LOVE my little house. It’s perfect. Even with two people in the tiny little apartment, it works. The struggle against our tendencies to think chores are for chumps is real. I love a nice clean home. I HATE cleaning it. Where are my house elves?   (Sidenote: I like cleaning other people’s homes. That’s easier, somehow. )

Anyway, we started a garden, our seedlings are growing and we’ll be planting soon. I’ll be posting about it. I just wanted to check in. Say I love you. Say that it sucks sometimes, but look at all the good stuff. Just look at it.