Tag Archives: fear

Down into the darkness #reverb14

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Despite our usually sunny dispositions and dedication to the practice of “assuming positive intent,” we all occasionally find ourselves having to deal with an incredibly unpleasant individual.
While I’m sure you always handle it with the tact and finesse for which you’ve become so well known, I’m going to ask you to step outside yourself for just a moment.
Think back to such a situation: if the gloves were off, how you really would have liked to have dealt with them?

I would have liked to let him suffer his actions. I would not have come to the rescue.

I would not have cleaned up his messes and instead left him to his own.

Because fuck him. And everything he’s done. And fuck my sense of obligation.

If I was a bad person, I would have allowed him what he wanted and was working on achieving and I would not feel ashamed of this darkness that nurtures that feeling.

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Lift your voice. #reverb14

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what is the sound of your own voice?

Strong.

My voice is strong.

It is in literal terms, odd. It can be light and feminine. It can be a bit nasally, and in singing, off key and awkward. When I am unsure, it tends to get vulnerable and childlike. My laugh is a cackle. My sneeze is a tiny achoo.

But in a metaphorical sense, it is strong. It does not waver from me. I speak up, for me and others. Since I was young, I’ve had a driving sense of fairness and equality about life.

Life isn’t fair. But we should do our BEST to tilt the axis in that direction. Our lives are for each other as much as our selves. Its our duty to make the world better for each other. That’s what our voices are for.

In writing this, I did not take time to think over my answer, so I’m not sure what else to say that won’t lead into a feminist rant or one that fights for the rights of this nations black citizens. Our world needs help. Needs love. Life is feeling bleak and hopeless and its time to lift our voices to speak up for each other.

Facing Philophobia

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How can I trust my choices? How can I know that I am safe from myself?

Simple. Making bad ones, and recognizing them. Not continuing to see someone who ignored me, or was rude, or disappointed me. Allowing myself to say to someone who was wrong for me, “No thanks, it was fun, but I’m done now.”

This past weekend, I was super hormonal. Luckily, because I’ve been so terrified of feeling… stuff… it sort of forced me to feel that stuff in a crazed, overly female type state. When I say this, I just mean that I’ve noticed that I don’t feel the same way women around me do. A lot of the way that I handle feelings is more like men do. I sort of ignore them, or maybe just don’t have many. I’m pretty relaxed, so its hard to offend me because I can usually identify with the way that people have said something or what not. I hear what people say in their own voices, not in my voice. I’m unsure of how to really explain it except to say that I’m usually more comfortable around dudes.

In my superfemme state, I realized, as women do, that behaving like a man is stupid. It doesn’t matter who was behaving like a man, just that someone was, and it’s asinine. I realized that I was being asinine. I’m trying to not let fear keep me from good things, but I’m afraid of loving someone. It scares me because of how I love. I really throw myself into it. When I love someone, I don’t hold any of it back, because that doesn’t make sense to me. I’ve been holding myself at arms length and telling myself that its not a smart plan.

Dixie started the thought path. She asked me if I was not planning on that path with the gentleman I’m seeing. I told her that I could see it happening down the road, but for fucks sake, I didn’t want to be a relationship hopper. I wanted independence. Lori told me something simple. I just have to open myself up again. I have to accept the possibility of love. My guy friends get the feelings I’m fighting and why. They explained to me that sometimes you don’t end up losing your independence just because you love someone and they love you. I know this seems a strange thing to have to explain to someone, but I didn’t really get it.

I know that there are reasons I’m scared of love. When I try to expound upon it, I end up feeling like a gibbering idiot. I know that I might be capable of loving someone in a different, healthy way, if I try. Maybe I’ll love him. Maybe not. I’d like to give it a shot though. It might work, if I move slowly enough so as not to spook myself. Stupid little fool is trying something new…