Tag Archives: self respect

Lift your voice. #reverb14

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what is the sound of your own voice?

Strong.

My voice is strong.

It is in literal terms, odd. It can be light and feminine. It can be a bit nasally, and in singing, off key and awkward. When I am unsure, it tends to get vulnerable and childlike. My laugh is a cackle. My sneeze is a tiny achoo.

But in a metaphorical sense, it is strong. It does not waver from me. I speak up, for me and others. Since I was young, I’ve had a driving sense of fairness and equality about life.

Life isn’t fair. But we should do our BEST to tilt the axis in that direction. Our lives are for each other as much as our selves. Its our duty to make the world better for each other. That’s what our voices are for.

In writing this, I did not take time to think over my answer, so I’m not sure what else to say that won’t lead into a feminist rant or one that fights for the rights of this nations black citizens. Our world needs help. Needs love. Life is feeling bleak and hopeless and its time to lift our voices to speak up for each other.

Different types of awesome #reverb11

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Friendship – What kind of a friend were you in 2011? What kind of a friend do you want to be in 2012? (Author: @amanda_hirsch )

Oh now, there you go getting all in sync with what I have been writing. In my mind, being a friend is tough. Part of being a friend is being honest, and sometimes honesty hurts. There have been many a times that I’ve upset a friend because of my honesty. My biggest issue is when someone I like insults themselves. I have a very low tolerance for it. When I worked with a group of women, I instituted the 3 Nice Things rule. If you insulted yourself to the degree that I was offended on your behalf, I would demand you say 3 honestly nice things about yourself.

I find it astonishing how people can say things to themselves about themselves that they would NEVER say about or to another person. I can tell you 4 friends off the top of my head that do this. It is infuriating to me. Up to a point, I counteract the insults with nice truths. Then I lose patience. I have gotten into arguments with my friends about it. I refuse to listen to ANYONE insult my own. Even my own. I’ve stopped my friends in the midst of their self-abuse with something to the effect of “If you’re so terrible, why am I your friend? I like you more than you like you and that’s a problem.” I don’t have patience for envy or comparisons. I am my type of awesome, you are your type of awesome. This is why we are friends.

I am the type of friend that is pushy and demanding with the expectation that you understand you are awesome. There is a reason I admire you for your strengths and weaknesses. There is a reason that I feel the need for you in my life. My goal as a friend is to provide buoyancy. I want to help keep you afloat, because as life is tough for you I will be there, and as life is tough for me, I want you there.

In the past, I’ve been a terrible friend. Hiding under a rock, ashamed of who and what I was, there was a distinct lack of ability to open up. No one wishes to be friends with someone who doesn’t trust themselves. Isolation helped me stay in my own little bubble and no one had to see what a mess my life had become. It wasn’t until someone helped me open up, looked at my mess and said “so? I like you no matter what.” that I found myself learning to be a friend. Friendship is give and take and I am learning to give more.

Next year, I want to be a go to friend. I want to go see people who I love that live elsewhere. Soon, both my very good friends will be on the other side of the US. That’s not okay with me. I don’t want to lose them because distance is too much. The loss would be more distressing than distance.

12 things. Well, 10. NOW 12! #reverb11

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12 Things – What are 12 things your life doesn’t need in 2012? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 12 things change your life? (Props to original Author: Sam Davidson)  If you did Reverb10, how are you making out on your 11 Things from last year?

Oh my. I think we’re all daunted by this list. Last year, I had fun. I was a little drunk when I wrote the post and yet I managed to accomplish ridding myself of a few things I mentioned. Numbers 3, 4,5, 8, 9 & 11 were addressed in one way or another.

This year, I’m not drunk, I’m cold and a little trepidatious.

1. I can do without fear stopping me this year. I don’t mean I want to be fearless. I want to be scared NOT to make a choice that will make my life epic. I want to sit on that precipice and jump despite the fear. I have some major options opening up to me that if they become valid, I cannot for any reason deny them. I will have to set aside my fear and act.

2. Codependency. Everyone is codependent to some degree, but this crippling need I have to fix and help to the detriment of myself and my health is unacceptable. That I’m done with. I’ve already started to shake off those shackles. I work every day at it. I examine my actions to a degree that most don’t. I can tell you that I have not said a word or done something without considering the codependant nature of it for several months. It will always be a work in progress.

3. I’m keeping three from last year. I am not okay with being poor. I have climbed from depths last year, and I have still further to go, but it has been a decided effort to make my finances turn a corner. Granted the turning radius sucks, so there’s a little backing up and maneuvering to do, but its moving.

4. Hurting myself. HAHAHAHAHA. Right. I’m so damned catastrophic. I cut off a bit of my thumb today. I wasn’t even surprised. I will try to be a bit more graceful, but I doubt it will work. But I’ll seek medical attention when I need it from now on. How’s that?

5. #4 brings me to Self Abuse. Seriously, I’ve worked very hard to shut up that mean bitch inside that tells me I’m not pretty, or smart, or good, or just enough. I mostly can ignore her now. She only gets heard now and again. I listen to the one who gives constructive criticism, but its been a long road from age 15 telling myself 3 nice things in the mirror. I have a level of confidence now that I usually only see in men. I am cocky. I may not always have a right to be, but dammit, I’m going to love myself. I am at a point of self acceptance that makes me pretty happy. I know that this is the only body I’ll ever have. I will never look like anyone but me. I’m pretty fucking awesome, so I’m cool with just being me. I am 5’6″ and have bumper curves, but I can make heads turn as I walk in a room because I believe that I am worth it.

6. Accepting abuse from others. This sort of lumps in with 2 & 5, but I’m done. I don’t need it. I am taking a page from LittleYawps book and standing up for myself. I’ve seen her in action and it is a thing of searing beauty. I endeavor to be unrelenting in my intolerance for people abusing me and those I like. That goes for friends who are self abusers.

7. Inattention to things that others find a part of life. I want to learn how to play a video game. I want to go to a political debate and see it in person. I want to volunteer to help people who really need it. I want to sit through different religious ceremonies. I want to do something with consequences I can clearly see and then ignore. Like white water rafting or sky diving or something. I want to feel as if I’m a part of something, a part of moving history.

8. Shame in tears. I’ m crying a lot more lately. I think I’m okay with it. The tears wash away the broken bits. I’ve learned enough about healing from being so clumsy that I’m going to start applying it to my emotions. I don’t want to bottle it up anymore, or schedule my crying. Yeah. I did that. I only used to cry on certain days, in the shower. Seriously. So bring it on emotions. I’m gonna just let you be when you show up. If I’m all teary, I’m teary. If I’m laugh-y, I’m laugh-y.  That’s how it will be.

9. Losing contact with wonderful people. It is my goal to stay in contact with my friends. Some have already moved, some are moving. I want to keep these amazing people in my life.

10. A lack of trust in my own choices. I make mistakes. Often. I will continue this pattern because I am human. I am tired of being afraid of being oblivious. Hyper vigilant about identifying my reasons for the actions I take, I have pushed away emotions because I was not ready to handle them. I have tried to make it so that I knew everything about what I was doing and feeling. As someone who is goofy and spontaneous I can’t force that aside. I have to allow myself to do what I said in #1, but not fear the codependency in #2. Can we say balancing act?

I’m reserving 11 and 12 for a later date. I promise to come back to them. Really. Within the week.

annnd lets continue.

11. Dishonesty. I’m rarely dishonest with anyone other than myself. I ask for honesty in a relationship. The least I can do is give it, as uncomfortable or vulnerable it makes me.

12. Over the years, I have built a tower around myself. Stone by stone, I have built it. Intentionally picturing it as uneven, strong stones creating a wall that can be patched when holes are found. I can peek out and see the world around me, safe inside my stone tower. The only opening is at the top, but it stretches so high that it would take a monumental effort to join me in my tower. Maybe this year, I can do without those walls. Or maybe, I can make a door. Maybe I don’t need to protect myself so much. Maybe I don’t need to hide. Maybe.

Sneak attack answer! #reverb11

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Disappointment – What was the one disappointment that has turned out to be a blessing in the last 12 months? How will this affect how you deal with disappointment in the future?

 

I thought this was going to be easy.  My marriage.

Him.

But as I sat to write this, I realized that I’m most disappointed in myself. I am disappointed in my lack of will over the last 6 years. Watching the destruction or near destruction of friends, family and life as I knew it. I allowed this to happen by not stopping it. I am ashamed of myself. I have a hard time talking to certain people who knew me at the beginning of my relationship with him. I’m ashamed of who I was, who I allowed myself to be. Between the two of us, we destroyed trust and faith and love. Him, by not knowing how to do anything but hate himself, and me by trying to fix anything that broke.

That’s not me. I don’t think that many people would describe me as weak, or soft willed. I’m not that person. But then again, I obviously am. I just want you to like me! If you need something and I give it to you without a second thought, you’ll like me, right? And you’ll keep me, right? I love you. Please love me back. Who the fuck is this needy bitch? Apparently, that needy bitch is me.

The shame reached a crescendo in January. Tears welled up as I looked at the person I had become. How can I fix it? How can I make it right? I started by giving myself permission to change ANYTHING necessary to do what was right. That included my marriage. As I look back, I’m astounded at the journey I forced myself on with sheer stubbornness. But life is like that, yes? You look back on old you and think, “Oh, you. You poor sad, unknowing thing, you.”

Realizing my shame – my disappointment – in myself made it so that I allowed change to happen. I embraced it. This has opened something new inside me.

Did you know that you can choose to do what you want when you want, and it’s not required of you to make others happy?

Tell me more…

I learned that just because someone else is lonely, I don’t have to rush to their side. Just as they wouldn’t rush to mine. I learned to watch other’s cues on how they maintain healthy self-love (ignore the 12yr old inside your brain that’s giggling). I am learning how to be selfish in a good, healthy way. When MY needs come up, I jump. When others come up, I think of similar moments, apply what I’ve learned and step back to see how things proceed. I offer support, but I don’t force myself to support.

I’m trying to be a woman who cares about herself more than catering to others. That’s right. This needy bitch is seeing to her own needs. WHAT!